I lose to myself this day

My little Jaceic, I dont even know what to tell myself these days, sometimes I forget how lucky I actually am to have had the experiences I did, it was beautiful. But then some days it seems like a sick curse that kept you from me, and no being pregnant wasn't something I had planned for especially after all I have seen since I gave birth to leah.. I feel guilty now for ever saying I wished it were easier.

After lying there at night belly full with you growing and holding your sister, I could imagine us together and it was alright, I prepared myself this time.. which is why it seems so sickly unfair to have had lost you so abruptly.. it was the best 9 months of my life now looking back, and I wish I would have taken more time to appreciate that life from you that grew with me each day.. perfectly and peacefully..

Anger is what I feel today, and during long nights when I cant seem to reach a satisfied dream place. Breaking out into a perfect scene where Im crying out in every direction, waiting to be heard for all this, for those who should have known more, for all those who lash out into unknowing places unsure of the true repercussions of destruction they set into formation in this world.

Maybe thinking about having done something to prevent this, pondering different realities playing out constantly now and I think Im losing my mind. YOU'RE heart goes out to ME? Who are you? I dont even know where we are anymore, how did I get here? Why do they have me? Who was I just talking to? How am I not screaming loud enough to hear myself? I lost my voice when I lost everything else that I had waiting so long for! I thought I hadn't spoken truth, is there nothing to be forgiven of? Is this the worst that might come of me? Where hidden in fate might be some sick payment due. Inside my world I see a whirling mass of karmic debt, then wondering to myself the truth would not feel despair, the truth will let me fight, will let me feel what I chose to feel ultimately. Where in being in my own power recognizing where I come from, I might be creating for myself only what I needed. In knowing where I had gone does this make these lies dematerialize? Wondering again do they even exist without me giving them the full power of granting them existence?

Why must all the excitement fade into distant memory?

Where is my freedom now?

Freedom from this emotional body.

Freedom from delusion.

Freedom from demented dream states.

Freedom from the carelessness of humanity.

Freedom from being trapped and bound to form.

Freedom from my gritting teeth

Freedom from vulnerabilities.

Gone into places I miss the most. Faded out into the rest of my distorted recollections A time I swam with life source. A moment I captured eternity with my own eyes. A life I shared inside my own. Impeccable timings in sync with rewritten fates. Pieces falling into perfect alignment along the way.

-mommy