So, its hard sometimes

Sometimes I wish people could see his beauty, could feel his wonder, could understand what it means to me to have carried my little tummy baby. I miss him everyday, I want to dream of him more often, it seems like I haven't been doing that, I want to intentionally dream of my son, and explore new worlds with him in that way, I believe dreams are every bit as significant as the waking state. I want him to be more apart of my experiences, and its hard sometimes, I don't know what to do without my baby and I just want to be mad at something somewhere because I cant hold him in my arms and talk to him in the ways I had always thought of when I was pregnant with him, sometimes now I feel like we weren't given enough time, and I didn't show him enough time, I didn't do everything I should have, I should have talked to him more, I should have never ever felt any sadness about my circumstances, I should have told him how much I appreciated him every single moment I could, I should have sang to him more, and read to him, told him stories, rubbed my tummy in gratitude and happiness rather than hold my stomach as if i were picking it up and complaining that it "hurt so much" and feeling annoyed in bed tossing and turning all night, not feeling comfortable enough with him growing so big inside me, I feel that I should have welcomed it more, and loved the pain, now that hes gone in a sense I feel that If I had to feel that constant back pain, muscles cramps, allergies and swollen feet forever just to be with my baby I would do it gladly and with a smile on my face.. Oh I miss my little love, and he is my forever baby to me in this life, and I am almost feeling impatient with this human experience as to where it seems like its just taking too long, I want to see his shining face, the color of his eyes, and I want to see him in all his beauty.. and I want to love, thats all..

letter to baby jaceic-
My little love, I miss you today, I wish other people knew how much you mean, I want to show you off and tell people how wonderful you are to me without it being a story of death and "grief" Im so sick of all this grief, they speak of it too often, and I dont want to feel any grief for your choices and where you lead us in this life, I want to understand, and I know I do in ways, some days better than others, and I love you too much, that's all I know I cant help feeling sad at times, sometimes ill be stricken with it without warning and it makes me crazy, I just want to talk to you often, I want to play with you and watch you learn and grow, I wish to see your smile and feel the touch of your skin... its all so human, and Im needing help baby, im needing help in ways I dont even comprehend, I have these feeling to where I think I NEED to know, I want to know that I dont NEED explanations, that this just is and its beautiful, that its neutral in essence, and the same, that nature knows where its going and why, and its not acting according to anyone faults, I wish to hear it from you that you know where you are, and what you are, and who I am for you, I want to tell you and have you know why I tell people the things I have, I want you to know my intentions are honest and good for you, its all FOR you, and it always was, I want you to know, I am with you in every way I can be, that I keep you with me in every moment I can. . I want to tell you that I miss my tummy baby. and you are in every thought that passes through each day.. my little love, my jaceic.

Love, Mommy ♥